


Clean Up On Aisle 7!

by cottonspore



Category: Shin Sangokumusou | Dynasty Warriors
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Humor, Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 05:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12450555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottonspore/pseuds/cottonspore
Summary: Here at HanMart, we guarantee Low Prices, Fresh Produce, Awesome Duds, Good Finds, and Wonderful Mishaps everyday !





	1. Granting Permission to Orbit

**Author's Note:**

> So this is an incredibly old story i've had to dig up again since my ff.net account has been compromised aaaaaand i needed to post it here anyways.
> 
> Because it's old, you'll find that it, uh, reads like a classic original fanfic should. Hopefully you don't hate it and put me on your 'Do Not Read' list ;u;
> 
> Also, this was written when Dynasty Warriors 7 had been JUST released and i was jelly and drooling over all of the outfits and gameplay ~~and Ma Dai~~

_Boop...boop...boop boop...boop_

"That's nine dollars even. Is that credit, debit, or cash?" The perpetually wearied-eyes held an irritated gaze on the customer who was taking their dear, sweet time on fishing out the payment card from their wallet.

_Sigh. I shouldn’t even be here right now. I **wish** i wasn’t even here right now..._

"Umm...either one, it doesn’t matter."

_Yes, it does, dumbass._

The cashier's ponytail seemed to sigh with its wearer as the screen read 'PAYMENT TYPE MISMATCH'.

"I punched in debit, you must have selected credit. Which payment method do you want to use?" Aggravation was evident in the way every other word was articulated through gritted teeth.

"Oh, uh, let’s go with debit, debit's fine."

After the customer's input on the mini touch screen, the cash register sprung open but was immediately closed with excessive force. Snatching the receipt out of the machine and thrusting it at the complacent customer, the drained cashier turned off the light above the register that indicated he was open and sat down under the register to hopefully snooze undetected.

[20 minutes later]

“Ksssht...Kssssht...PocketRocket7 awaiting dispatch from Mission Control, OVER.”

...

“Ksssht Control do you read?!”

Obnoxious gnashing of food reverberated throughout the store via P.A. system along with the fake astronaut transmissions.

“Ksssht Mission Control at station 2, reads.”

“Kssssht Mission Control forgot to say OVER when they were OVER, OVER.”

“Ksssht thank you for catching that, Mission Control OVER.”

Feedback from the microphone squeals throughout the entire store.

“Kssssht Mission Control to PocketRocket7, granting permission to orbit, OVER.”

“Ksssht PocketRocket7 to Mission Control, ejecting large cloud of nebula, requesting hyperspace penetration, OVER.”

“Ksssht PocketRocket7 autocontrol terminated, you are cleared for hyperspace penetration, OVER.”

_What the actual FUCK?!_

The shirking cashier clambered up to his register to admonish his idiotic co-workers, but first, he heard-

"LING TONG!! Sleeping on the job again! My father will be very unhappy hearing about _this_ again."

"What the-!? Sun Quan, did you not hear those-"

"That's _Manager_ Quan to you, first of all. Secondly, before you try and place fault in something else, make sure you're in good standing yourself. I can't even leave the building without you slacking off!  _*sigh*_  How come you can't be like those two! Alert, amiable, and actually doing their jobs!" Sun Quan's head gestured toward Register's 2 and 7, where Sun Ce and Gan Ning stood, pretending to tidy the space around them and feigning innocence.

"Be more like them?! They're idiots! And no one comes in after 8:00 _in the evening_ except for dumb highschool kids trying to buy alcohol! The only people here are those forced to come against their will because they need a JOB!" Ling Tong exclaimed as an unexplainable tumbleweed blew by.

"Tsk tsk tsk, you'll never get employee of the month with that attitude." Sun Quan chided as he shook his head. "Now stop being a lazy ass and get back to work!"

Ling Tong threw his hands in the air with exasperation since the store really had no customers. So there was no work to be done.

Sun Quan was making his way to his office as Gan Ning and Sun Ce started their slow advance to Ling Tong's register - as if they really were in outer space.

“Ksssht Ding-a-Ling Tong at station 4, can you read? OVER.”

“  >:/ ”

“Ksssht PocketRocket7 approaching, OVER.”

“…..”

“Ksssht Mission Control, come in! Where's your position? OVER”

“Ksssht Mission Control is at the Milky Way, OVER”

Even though they weren't using the speaker system this time, the moist sounds of food being masticated could still be heard - every chew, turn of the tongue, and swallow. Ling Tong turned around painfully slow, knowing that if he put any more energy in his movements he would snap and possibly have a bloody mess to clean up. Which is work. Which is something he is _not_ willing to do.

Over his right shoulder was Sun Ce, who was actually at a stand with Milky Way candy bars, smacking his mouth loudly with a cupped hand, which only amplified the moist noises. Ling Tong glared through narrow slits while gritting his teeth. The captain of PocketRocket7 successfully made it to station 4 and made his presence known. Right in Ling Tong's ear, of course.

“KSSSSSHT THE POCKETROCKET HAS LANDED! NOW READY FOR BOARDING AT-”

"GUUAAAAAGHHHH! THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOU?!" Gan Ning screamed as Ling Tong, who was caught off guard with the abrupt announcement, grabbed the ambiguous blue liquid (that is in every grocery store that one could visit and is used to clean just about everything with) and sprayed him right in the eyes. Ling Tong was kinda glad it was him and was kinda glad he did it, sooo an apology wasn't in order anytime soon.

"You yelled in my FUCKING EAR! The hell you think, dumbass!?"

Sun Ce, still in outer space and in the middle of a candy bar, saw the attack on PocketRocket7 and surmised it was the alien at station 4 and was NOT going to let the captain go down.

“Ksssssht! This is Mission Control! Initiating turbo booster jets! Commencing alien take down! Take this, alien scum!”

Sun Ce picked up the stand full of milky ways and charged Ling Tong.

"Eeeeyaaahh- whoops, I mean KSSssSSSht EEEeeeyaaaAaAaaahhhh!"

Ling Tong tried to evade the attack but Gan Ning, writhing in agony on the floor, tripped him up and Ling Tong was caught in the full body and cardboard-stand-full-of-candy tackle. The stand exploded and Milky Ways rained down upon the three-man heap. Gan Ning was still on the floor, Sun Ce was slung across a shelf of last minute grabs, and there stood Ling Tong - Sun Ce's awkward body pinning him against the register and Gan Ning's sprawled position preventing his feet from giving in.

Manager Quan heard the commotion and was a bit grouchy having his sales debriefing with Assistant Manager Lian Shi interrupted.

"What's all the hullabaloo?!"

There stood Ling Tong. Surrounded by a mess of candy bars. Hell, one of them looks half eaten! And here he is, on the clock, eating unpaid-for merchandise, and is slovenly stretched across the register! What nerve!

"Ling Tong! Office! NOW!" Sun Quan bellowed as he fumed back into the store's bowels.

Ling Tong grumbled in defeat.

“Ksssht…copy..”


	2. Battle of the Beauties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao

"Beautiful!"

"You put any cute kitten to shame!"

"You’re almost as gorgeous as me!...well,  _not even close_ , but you know what I mean!"

"I'm surprised we are not related with that kind of beauty!"

Here at Hanmart, everyone is beautiful. Especially if you stumble into the Make-up Department. Not so long ago, there were only shelves with cosmetics. But that changed when the idea of having 'self-made' professionals was brought about. With these everyday folks doing their make-up instead of esteemed celebrity stylists, the customers will be more at ease and will more than likely return; whether if it’s to get more tips or just to get a free makeover. But of course, the big guys aren't really in control of the poor judgement the smaller guys have when it comes to hiring employees...

"Oh, that despicable commoner! Did she  _really_  think she could have my flawless, porcelain skin?!"

"Hmmhm, maybe if she actually glued porcelain to that thing she called a face!"

"Byahahaha!"

"I wouldn't  _dare_  step out the house if I had that unsightly blemish!"

"Did you see those eyes!? They were so big and her mouth jutted out like that of a shrimp! Maybe she’s related to the one over there!"

Xiao Qiao could hear the obnoxious guffaws of Zhen Ji and Zhang He from their station. It was daily occurrence with these two. Her and Da Qiao knew that they were either cackling about them or a customer.

_*sigh* What's it about this time!? Don’t they ever close their mouths?! Oh wait! Maybe they're just looking past me! Did I miss something?_

"Hey sis, what I miss?! Did someone test the wet floors again? Heehee! They put a sign there for a reason~!"

Da Qiao exhaled deeply and shook her head. "Xiao, you were the last person to test the wet floors, with the sign being present.."

"Ooooh but it could've been lying...!" Xiao Qiao pulled a hurt puppy face and sat with her head in her hands.

"Oh looook! The shrimp must be hungry! Give it some space to filter feed! Hohohahahaha!"

"Ji, I don't think shrimp filter-OOMPFH!"

"Just shut up and laugh!"

"Bwahahahahaha!"

Zhang He and Zhen Ji laughed in unison as the terrible joke fell upon the two Qiao's ears.

"Ugh! I'm so sick of those two!" Xiao Qiao said as she stood with balled fists. Da Qiao nodded in agreement and countered back.

"Hey Xiao, look! You think we should get help? Those two look as if they're choking on all of that powder they have caked on their faces!"

"Are you sure, Da? I think it's that clumpy mascara getting into their small, not very pretty, icky, and  _undefined  _eyes and they're crying over how worthless they are!...and.. **and how they could never be as talented as us**!"

As big of a mouthful that was, Zhen Ji only caught the major parts, or perhaps, the most significant parts of the insult.

"How dare you!?  _Darling_ , I use Cover Girl. This shit does  **not**  clump!"

"And we have-"

"And I have so much more talent than you two bumpkins combined!"

Zhang He couldn't really have an input, but he did make sure to roll his neck and snap his fingers in such a way that they formed a Z in order to give Zhen Ji some support.

Da Qiao scoffed. "Ha! That explains why you've had fewer customers than us, right? Me and Xiao could easily take you two hoochie mamas down! Heh, we could use the extra space, couldn't we Xiao?"

"Right!"

Zhang He, looking rather amused, announced, "Is that a challenge? Gahahahyahya fine!" With a flick of his pony tail and some switching of his behind, he made his way to the Qiao's station with Zhen Ji in tow and the two teams sized each other up.

_Up close and personal._

Zhen Ji stared Da Qiao down while Xiao Qiao held her own with Zhang He.

"Hey Zhen Ji, you have something on your face, oh wait! It must be the shit you eat along with the Cow Pee!" Da Qiao initiated the verbal altercation.

Zhen Ji, utterly appalled that someone would insult her beauty mark, had her eyes and mouth wide with astonishment and was speechless. Zhang He was not going to let them sink just yet, he had to pull one for the team!

"Look Xiao Qiao! The wet floor sign is out again! It’s time for to do another disgraceful  _daahnce_ , isn't it? Fufufufu!"

Xiao Qiao was steaming in embarrassment and couldn't think of anything to retort back with. A venomous grin replaced the once gaping mouth of Zhen Ji as she began her 'turn'.

"You know, Da Qiao, i don't think you really have much room to talk.." Zhen Ji began to pace around Da Qiao, easily making her feel uneasy and a little on edge. While Zhen Ji was distracting Da Qiao with her movements, she was discreetly making her way closer to the Qiao's desk where there was still open product out.

"I can see every single pore on that hideous face you flaunt around with.."

Da Qiao, who had been tracking Zhen Ji's every move, is totally caught off guard with what happens next.

"But I can easily fix that for you!"

Zhen Ji snatches a tub full of powder and smashes it into Da Qiao's face, creating a huge and thick dust storm of foundation. Taking advantage of the obscure haze like cartoon characters, the four pounced on each other; there was hair yanking, hands and legs going in and out of the cloud, unintelligible insults, and stars and mini tornadoes wisping out every now and then.

The tan powder began to settle on five exhausted bodies as the fighting ceased. Someone's shoe found its way under a chair, while several hair clips were strewn all over the place. Amongst some broken nails and jewelry was a bottle of Pepsi, a king-sized Snickers, and a sandwich that was beyond repair with its newly dusted coloring.

With his legs entwined in the heap of devastated divas, an unlucky employee found himself awkwardly propped up against the make-up station and a bit disoriented.

_This wasn’t in the fucking job description, maaaan._

Being the only manager-on-duty and hearing yet another ruckus, Manager Sun Quan meandered through several departments until he reached the source of the disturbance. Manager Quan began shaking his head at the sight.

_This lazy ass buffoon strikes again! **AGAIN!**_

"Ling Tong! What the hell did you do to these ladies!.."

A closer look at the heap revealed that one of them was too..big? Too muscular? Had a frikken' package? Manager Quan corrected himself.

"..and gentlemen..What the hell did you do to these ladies and gentlemen?! You're always fucking shit up!...uh, I mean  _(yet another correction)_  this place is a mess! I thought I sent you to lunch, not to start a fucking harem! My office!  **NOW!** "

"Whoa whoa whoa  **WHOA**! It's not what it looks like! At all! I-I had just grabbed lunch a-and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and-"

**"NOOOOW!"**

Ling Tong closed his eyes and reclined his head.

_If only sweet death would stop taking its time._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I already have like, 6 chapters of this, so if you have a hankering for more,  
> trust me,  
>  _there's more._
> 
> I love my dorko Wu boys, so you'll be seeing a quite a bit of them. 
> 
> P.S.  
> Why isn't Sun Ce running the Front End instead of Sun Quan, you ask? Reread again and I hope that answers your question, hehehe =u=


End file.
